In adulthood there is plenty of choice, what we do with our lives that give us fulfillment and growth, who we hang out with and what goals we wish to pursue. Yes the choices are endless. However when you are given the diagnosis of being infertile when you desperately want a family you feel the choices have been made for you. Shall you remain childless? Or will you seek a different path.
Your choices involve going down paths that you never in your wildest dreams thought you would undertake and yet now this is the choice if you want children you do it.
I know in the early stages of discussing our predicament, we entered new territory in our hearts and minds did we really need to go down the path of assisted conception? We tried au naturelle first and each month we were disappointed so after a year of failing to fall pregnant we consulted the specialists who gave us more tests and more uncertainty. All we had was hope.
Hope gave us something to cling to, we had each other and we had our dreams of becoming a family and so we poured our emotions, our finances and our hope into this new path. We had literally no control you surrendered that when you signed on the dotted line, you became a number and you joined the long queue of childless couples in the same predicament. This is when your double life began like a secret agent you lived living two distinct roles, one for work and all was ok and fine and another of a women who would become emotional just at the sight of the injections that were about to come.
That was the way and you just did it, you invest so much on each attempt praying to the gods and the universe bargaining anything you could for a positive outcome. It was sad to be around me during the constant disappointments. My world had fallen and only after my eyes were sore from so much crying and wailing would I start to cling to hope again and the next attempt.
Hope fills those lonely days, makes you believe IT is possible, you know in your heart this will come and you just wait and sit it out. Hope does that to you.
It did for me, and so when you go about your double life and you receive the ultimate news that in fact you are pregnant you do double flips and you hug anybody that is close to you to share the joy and the anticipation of what will be.
Hope does that to you, it did for me.