Well this week was huge for me, a brand new year and I am realising how quick time flies. Only yesterday I was at the IVF clinic wondering what we had done wrong, to go through such a private struggle to conceive. I was devastated and so sad. That cloud of sadness lasted such a long time, 3.5 years for us and then ‘she’ came into our lives, quickly followed 25 months later by her little brother. Fast forward to this week he started big school, and all those years of trying to conceive, being pregnant and wondering if everything was going OK, each scan was filled with mixed emotions of joy and anxiety. It seems like it happened to someone else.
Then those early years, making sure the baby slept on her back, eating well, making sure she was safe and warm, being struck with sleep deprivation and more worry. Then teaching them to walk, exploring the world and being more independent with toilet training and self dressing and all the while having fun and pinching myself everyday at how grateful I was at finally being a mother. I was a cautious parent, I had to be I guess after going through loss and wanting something so much for so long. In hindsight it was hard to ‘relax’ in those early years.
It has been a journey alright! A wonderful one and each day is a new day and each day I look at them and smile, they are transforming in front of my eyes, if I blink I will miss a special moment, really it feels like that. I am grateful that my youngest loves hugs and cuddles in the evening and I can still smell him, oh how I love their scent. My eldest likes to mimic me, and that keeps me on my toes! You never knew how much your heart could grow once you have children; children will do that to you, you feel wonderful and proud and then in the next breath you will feel frustrated and annoyed that they just don’t ‘listen’ to you. Then you put it in perspective they are children after all!
I wouldn’t change anything really, perhaps if I could have those first 5 years again maybe?
No not a good idea. (What am I thinking?)
P.S Never give up on your baby dreams, move whatever obstacles you have, move heaven and earth to make it happen!